Sunday, October 6, 2013

Celebration, Gratitude and Giving/Receiving

In an effort to re-connect my feet to the ground, I have enrolled in a course built to connect me to the positive side of life.  The demons of depression caught me good this last year.  The move to Utah has been harder than I ever thought it would be.  A number of friendships dissolved or waned in my life.  My relationship with Nascar was strained and filled with anger for quite a while.  I began to doubt myself, my choices, my chances for happiness.

I know inherently that things end.  I was told by a friend, "You feel things much more than most of us."  I can only infer that this means I feel the negatives as well as the positives quite intently.
Feeling this negativity really derailed me this year.  Bit bit by bit, step by step, I have found my way back to feeling the positives and moving past the negatives.

These boots are made for walking into the light
So we roll into the winter, my second winter in Utah, and a few things are apparent.  I have new costuming needs: Good snow boots, wool socks, and a pair of warm snow pants will allow me the freedom to roam outside in the sunshine while it is really cold outside.  I am so excited that I have been able to procure all of these items over the summer.  I am grateful for Gabby, who sent me the link for a super discount on these super fly snow boots.  I will be walking into the light all winter, escaping the dark and dirty inversion.




Over the last year, I have visited San Francisco a few times.  Gabby's 40th birthday, a summer trip to see my nephew, Noah.  In August, Gabby, Mimi, Alexa, and Patrick came to SLC to see us!  It was such an amazing visit.  My friendship with Gabby, has felt as strong, actually stronger, than before when we lived together.  She, Alexa, and Mimi, have all been willing to hold my hand long-distance as I cry about my loneliness, my fear about my relationship with Ryan, and how damn cold Utah is.

I have been blessed to have shared many friendships. I have had school friends, study buddies, party girl friends, dance floor pals, burning man ladies, and nursing partners.  Not all of these friendships were built to last forever.  Up until this year, I have always maintained a proper distance from those I am friends with.  I always believed that she who cares the least controls the most.  Well, this year, all of that was turned upside down.  I have never cared for friends the way I do about these ladies that I now am so many miles from.  I lost some friendships over the last year and that experience has really made me recognize some things about myself.  I used some sad experiences to motivate changes for myself.  I am grateful that these ladies have stood by my side, and I promise to use this time of sadness to fuel a lot of positive moments for us in the future.

I celebrate all the ladies I have shared friendship with in my life.  Each of these women have taught me something, given me love.  I am grateful to have lost some friendships this year, because it has made me ask some hard questions about myself and how I am a friend.  I see how I often do not respect boundaries for other women, and how I can often be prescriptive instead of supportive.  I recognize how jealousy and my need to compare myself to other ladies can really be toxic and make me less inviting to women I enjoy spending time with.  I am grateful for receiving these lessons.  I am most grateful for the women who have stood by my side and accepted my less than stellar moments.  True love and true friendship.

A few years ago, I posted pictures of cacti.  This was during an amazing time in my relationship with Ryan.  The Honeymoon Phase.  We have been together for 7 years.  The phase has changed.  We are life partners now.  We disagree.  We have to work together as a team.  We have to protect each other, but still protect ourselves.

This is an on-going learning experience.  He is my most special friend.  Often I am prickly and and treat him worse than anyone else in my life.  My final phase of this entry is for him,

I vow to give him the respect he deserves and to receive the gifts he provides.
I have learned over the last year that marriage is the hardest job of all.  Compromise does not come easy.  Each day I work accept him and love him, in the same way I wish to be treated.


Sunday, April 14, 2013

Thawing out

As I mentioned before, it was a long cold winter.  Physically, emotionally, mentally, I was zapped.  In my typical "woe is me way," I looked to blame it on so many other factors than just myself - the friends who I missed, the husband who uprooted our life so awesomely, the frigid weather.  I stopped writing, I focused on the negative, I felt sorry for myself.

I do not deny that all of us have these moments.  At 8 months into this though, I have to use all the tools in my mental health arsenal to stop it.

First step is forgiveness.  There are reminders of what forgiveness looks like all around me.  The grass is green again, as the ground has forgiven the frost that laid across it for so many months.  The tulips are blossoming, and the other flowers are spritely, despite of the crisp chill that still happens some mornings.  A gnome has found its way back into my heart and I will follow it back to the place where I smile biggest.










Being in a partnership is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Forgiving your partner for his human errors is so much more difficult than anyone ever explained to me.  No partnership exists without forgiveness, however.  I am such a bully when I don't get my way, and he is so stoic.  These two characteristics make for unhappy bedfellows.

My main struggle has been believing that if I forgive you, this means I condone your behavior.  Or perhaps it could be that I am most comfortable behaving like a spoiled little girl.  I am betting it is somewhere in the middle.  As the springtime ramps up and the thaw begins all around me in nature, I feel it happening in my own soul.  For this I am grateful.

The language that we speak is so different.  You speak through actions, I speak with words.  I am the first to say, "I am unhappy and it is your fault."  You stalk around the house angry that I don't see the good stuff.  We are quite a pair these days.  I will be eternally grateful for the moments when we sit down on the floor and begin to see eye to eye again.  These are so necessary and we need to do them more.

Thank you, Nascar Pitcrew, for giving me new floors to sit on.  I promise to use them more and recognize them for what they are.  A gift for us, from you.

New floors in our house, all work done by Nascar Pitcrew

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Dear Nature,

Thank you for bringing the sun back into my life.  The winter in Utah nearly broke my spirit.  Lots of smog, so much cold snow, and the loneliness that comes from being the new girl on the block.

Last weekend, I spent the day hiking with my canine pal, my love, and new friends.  The sun on my face and laughter in the hills made me believe there was some hope for Utah and I yet.


Melinda and Louie

Moab's Hidden Valley

Louie


Having a canine pal has been so enlightening in my life.  Who am I kidding?  Lacey is not a pal.  She is my child, my love, a bond that Nascar and I share.  I knew I wanted to marry Nascar the day he said he wanted to have children with me.  Contrary to what Charles Cooper says, wanting to be married to raise a family is NOT the only reason to get married - but it was mine.  The disappointment that has come with our lack of fertility, combined with the stress of moving, starting new jobs, the vast amount of alone time I have living in Utah - all of these factors have made me a pretty sad lady since we moved.  Lacey Jackson, a sweet dog rescued from the Salt Lake County Animal Control by Nascar, has become my salvation.   She is so cute and funny and adventurous.   She is shy and really quirky.  Last weekend's hiking trip in Moab was only her second time off leash, and she proved to be quite a scrambler dog, with good instincts.  She even listens fairly well.

My girl Lacey


Scrambler
While in Moab, we hiked Hidden Valley, an area with pictographs dating back hundreds of years.  The photos do them little justice.   There was a magic to this place we were in.  The abstract rock formations, the art and communication that dated so far back, the rattlesnake we ran into...all of these experiences reminded me of all the spirit the world has to offer.  These moments connected me back to the adventure that I am creating.

We Dance

We Fight


We love

We Are




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About Me

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I am Nurse Bacon, a registered nurse who works hard and and lives a full life with her husband, Nascar Pitcrew. A little surly and a little sensitive, I am very much enamored with life and its nuances.