Sunday, October 6, 2013

Celebration, Gratitude and Giving/Receiving

In an effort to re-connect my feet to the ground, I have enrolled in a course built to connect me to the positive side of life.  The demons of depression caught me good this last year.  The move to Utah has been harder than I ever thought it would be.  A number of friendships dissolved or waned in my life.  My relationship with Nascar was strained and filled with anger for quite a while.  I began to doubt myself, my choices, my chances for happiness.

I know inherently that things end.  I was told by a friend, "You feel things much more than most of us."  I can only infer that this means I feel the negatives as well as the positives quite intently.
Feeling this negativity really derailed me this year.  Bit bit by bit, step by step, I have found my way back to feeling the positives and moving past the negatives.

These boots are made for walking into the light
So we roll into the winter, my second winter in Utah, and a few things are apparent.  I have new costuming needs: Good snow boots, wool socks, and a pair of warm snow pants will allow me the freedom to roam outside in the sunshine while it is really cold outside.  I am so excited that I have been able to procure all of these items over the summer.  I am grateful for Gabby, who sent me the link for a super discount on these super fly snow boots.  I will be walking into the light all winter, escaping the dark and dirty inversion.

Over the last year, I have visited San Francisco a few times.  Gabby's 40th birthday, a summer trip to see my nephew, Noah.  In August, Gabby, Mimi, Alexa, and Patrick came to SLC to see us!  It was such an amazing visit.  My friendship with Gabby, has felt as strong, actually stronger, than before when we lived together.  She, Alexa, and Mimi, have all been willing to hold my hand long-distance as I cry about my loneliness, my fear about my relationship with Ryan, and how damn cold Utah is.

I have been blessed to have shared many friendships. I have had school friends, study buddies, party girl friends, dance floor pals, burning man ladies, and nursing partners.  Not all of these friendships were built to last forever.  Up until this year, I have always maintained a proper distance from those I am friends with.  I always believed that she who cares the least controls the most.  Well, this year, all of that was turned upside down.  I have never cared for friends the way I do about these ladies that I now am so many miles from.  I lost some friendships over the last year and that experience has really made me recognize some things about myself.  I used some sad experiences to motivate changes for myself.  I am grateful that these ladies have stood by my side, and I promise to use this time of sadness to fuel a lot of positive moments for us in the future.

I celebrate all the ladies I have shared friendship with in my life.  Each of these women have taught me something, given me love.  I am grateful to have lost some friendships this year, because it has made me ask some hard questions about myself and how I am a friend.  I see how I often do not respect boundaries for other women, and how I can often be prescriptive instead of supportive.  I recognize how jealousy and my need to compare myself to other ladies can really be toxic and make me less inviting to women I enjoy spending time with.  I am grateful for receiving these lessons.  I am most grateful for the women who have stood by my side and accepted my less than stellar moments.  True love and true friendship.

A few years ago, I posted pictures of cacti.  This was during an amazing time in my relationship with Ryan.  The Honeymoon Phase.  We have been together for 7 years.  The phase has changed.  We are life partners now.  We disagree.  We have to work together as a team.  We have to protect each other, but still protect ourselves.

This is an on-going learning experience.  He is my most special friend.  Often I am prickly and and treat him worse than anyone else in my life.  My final phase of this entry is for him,

I vow to give him the respect he deserves and to receive the gifts he provides.
I have learned over the last year that marriage is the hardest job of all.  Compromise does not come easy.  Each day I work accept him and love him, in the same way I wish to be treated.

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About Me

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I am Nurse Bacon, a registered nurse who works hard and and lives a full life with her husband, Nascar Pitcrew. A little surly and a little sensitive, I am very much enamored with life and its nuances.