Thursday, June 21, 2012

To Be in SLC

This transition has left me feeling like an onion  - stripped layer by layer of all her parts.  No job, more free time than I have ever had, Nurse Bacon struggles to recognize herself at least once a day.  My one constant is Nascar Pitcrew.  He truly is my rock.  Hard to believe it has been 3 years of legal marriage, eh, Nascar?  

Happy third Anniversary, My Love

In the last 2 months, I have:
1.) Left a job I loved and all the teamwork, friendship, and financial gain that went with it.
2.) Applied for every job I have seen available and only heard back from 1.
3.)  Been told by a nurse practicioner that I am in peri-menopause and my chances for having a baby are slim to none.
4.)  Felt really distant from a lot of my friends and family.
5.)  Decided to not go to Burning Man – each year that experience is my ultimate validator and my best re-set button.
6.)  Decided to stop writing “The Integration of Nascar Pitcrew and Nurse Bacon” blog.

6 really big things that have affected my psyche in some really deep ways.  My mom says it is all right to feel a little depressed.  Life change is hard.  Why does it seem that so many others I know handle it so much better?  Why do I always end up feeling like en emotional dunce?  Why can’t I just get off my butt and do some yoga?  My mom also says, no one ever comes to the Pity Party you hold for yourself.  Damn it, I know she is right. (and Thank you Mom for coming to my Pity Party – I know that is how you show me you love me and I am damn glad you are my Mom, today and every day.)

I decided today to return to blog writing.  I just really like it.  It helps me clear my head and the validation is priceless.  I am not birthing any great ideas, but I am getting in touch with me through the action of writing.  When I first started college, I wanted to be a writer.  I was going to write riveting stories of epic proportions that would change the world.  Now I count the likes on Facebook incessantly.  This is not very healthy.  I may do some research and write a blog post on Facebook's effects on a person's psyche someday.

Some of the best things about Salt Lake City are:
1.) Nascar and I live alone.  We have room to spread out and we have sex a lot more because I am not exhausted from 13 hours of work 4 days a week.  (sorry my maternal aunts, if this comment offends you, but physical intimacy is a vital attribute in all good relationships)
2.)  Nascar loves his job, and his job loves him.
3.)  I walk 4-5 miles, three times a week, with a good friend.
4.) Nature trips.
5.)  Making dinner at home a lot more.
6.)  More time to craft and do yoga.  Umm, still working on that…

So, here I am throwing my Pity Party on the interwebs.  For those of you unlucky souls who chose to read this…damn Facebook…I am sorry to disappoint.  This is not really a Pity Party, nor is it an emotional makeover.  There will be no tears, and only a few snarky comments.  There will be no promises to break, no parents to blame, no feel good sentiments to make my martyrdom feel acceptable.

#7 on the list of Best Things about Salt Lake City is this:  The weather is hot.  The sun is shining, and even I can’t be sad when I have the choice of playing outside.  (Sorry San Francisco, but Utah totally has you beat on this one.)

So this post will be sort of dull.  and normal.  and will not instigate anybody.  It just will be.
That is what SLC is teaching me.  How to be.
  • To be totally ok in my aging, slightly rounded body.
  • To be crafty like a 6 year old is crafty.  Because reality TV is boring you now (after 3 hours straight) and if you look at Facebook one more time, you will cry.  These are the projects you make for friends, for yourself, and not because you feel like it is a necessary project for the Hipster Girl Scout badge to wear at Burning Man.
  • To be Fun.  Play the part, rock like an aging rocker, enjoy the moment because it is the best right fucking now.
  • To be humble.  Gone is the extra moneys from extra hours at work.  Pride can no longer be bought with dinners out, art projects and vacations.  Trips to the grandparents, a fledgling garden in the backyard (even though the tomatoes are not growing), and the rose garden that came with the rental house – these things and a whole lot of time is what you got. Flaunt it to yourself and share it with others. Accept the love being sent your way, and you are no longer too good for any invitation.  When people ask you to hang out…..Go.
  • To be in love with the one your with – and not just because he is your husband.  But because he is so fricking handy, and funny, and cute in a rock and roll kind of way.  And because he asks how you are and does not push you to get over yourself (although sometimes you wished he would).  But mostly because he is your best friend, and has proven time and time again that your feelings matter, and he has chosen to honor your feelings and insecurities over his pride in some sticky situations – and for that you owe him blow jobs for a century.
       So I am not sure how this blog will evolve.  I am doodling on a WordPress template, but do not feel like I yet know what my aim of writing will be over the next year.   I definitely want to get away from the self help innuendos that made up the last year. Those were just shade structures for self pity and blame.  The past is the past.  I am glad I spoke of it.  I am proud I took 3 months off of drinking and stopped denying that some of my coping mechanisms were not working so well.  The writing helped me heal this and posting it publicly gave me the validation I will always crave.
          I might just post pics of cool hikes we do and stuff I make.  I will most definitely still blog about being married.  This “marriage” project with Ryan is the most gratifying and difficult thing I have ever done.  This move to SLC was severely taxing on our union.  I had never given up so much of what I considered myself, in order for another person to fly (or swim, in his case).  In the aftermath of peeling the onion, I am finding the inner self I lost touch with over the last few years of hard work and going big.  She seems to be more normal and healthy than I remember.  This may mean less likes on my Facebook profile.  I may never make it on the Rumpus website., but writing and sharing helps me be.  And you never know, I did not think I would ever live in Utah either.

No comments:


About Me

My photo
I am Nurse Bacon, a registered nurse who works hard and and lives a full life with her husband, Nascar Pitcrew. A little surly and a little sensitive, I am very much enamored with life and its nuances.