I recently returned from a week in Texas, visiting family. Getting to spend 5 days with my Mom, was a really special gift! We both behaved well, and accepted that our differences are only that - differences. Our different religious beliefs are not pock marks on our characters. This was a first for us, and made our visit so much less stressful. Being there only had one downer...the Baby Dilemma came up.
The Baby Dilemma has been around since April 2010. That is when the birth control was thrown out and Nascar and I decided to "try" to have a baby. Even though I am a nurse, I tend to ignore many factoids about my own body. I thought "just get rid of the pill, let my hormones balance" and I would be pregos by August. Well, this has not happened.
The fact that I am not a mother, or expectant, is NOT a bad thing. In many ways it is a great thing. Nascar and I can still Palooza whenever we want. The loudest thing Gabby hears in the morning is the coffee grinder, and not a baby wailing. Nascar can go to school full time and not have to work, while I can work any schedule I want. The freedom to live alternatively, to rent a home and not feel severely stressed out about life insurance is bliss in many ways.
However, watching my mom be Nana to her step son's children was so heart warming. Being a grandmother brings my Mom so much joy. I want to give her some more of that. But then I think, do I want it enough to change the good things I have here in San Francisco, living with Nascar and Gabby? To say I am conflicted is an understatement.
Much like my apathy about my own body, (I know smoking causes cancer, strokes, and heart disease, yet I still puff) I am experiencing some severe ambivalence about motherhood. Sort of a damned if I do, damned if I don't attitude. If we do end up pregos, we will probably have to move from our fantastic home and loving family we have created with Gabby. If I don't, I will feel some self-projected guilt that I did not give my Mom another soul to be Nana to. Note that this blog will not even touch on Nascar's feelings about the subject...those are not mine to share on Facebook, thanks!
The Italian poet, Giacomo Leopardi, said "Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything." I am just trying to find a little bit in all of it. Thankfully, I have some wonderful nieces and nephews to be Auntie Brandi to...I am sure this dilemma will work itself out, just as it should.
Until then time to focus on saving union's rights, protecting Planned Parenthood, and the demise of healthcare (coupled with lack of personal responsibility for many Americans). I have to admit, I am pretty uneducated on most of that, beside my personal opinions, so to end this entry, I simply say, Peace and Struggles to all those fighting for our rights, and heartfelt thank you to Planned Parenthood for allowing me the chance to not have an unwanted pregnancy when I would have been less prepared and definitely less ambivalent.
|Blue in deep thought|
|My Mom with Her Baby!|
|Skyler being silly|
|The Mini Me comes with my sassy attitude too|