Rites of Passage

The New Year is almost over.  My life has been traditionally marked by Burning Man as the end of one project, beginning of another.  This year I did not attend Burning Man, but interestingly enough, my connection with that particular rite of passage grew immensely.  I look forward to returning next year, and plan on making it's theme "Rite of Passage," a major learning theme in my life this year.

My career as a nurse has shown me that the rite of passage that is death has been marred and manipulated by Western medicine and the Western ideal of hospitals.  Please understand, I believe we do great work in the hospital saving lives and elongating life.  However, I have seen too many cases where a patient is so obviously on the dying process and we forgo the signs, and utilize invasive tactics to sustain life for only a bit longer and with a very low quality of life (ie hooked to machines, pt not aware of surroundings).  It is my belief that the rite of passage of death should be taken back.  Not only is the patient's life quality affected, but so is the family.  Please let me die at home.  Let me struggle to breathe, rather than unplugging a machine.

Having just completed a Rite of Passage, my marriage to Nascar, I am convinced that our community does not place as much emphasis on the "hard" rites of passage.  Marriage is something for a wedding planner to plan, birth can be scheduled as a C-section, and death should take place by unplugging the machines that are substituting for my lungs.  I refuse to live this way and look forward to investigating these thoughts both artistically and professionally over this next year.

Going with the Flow

It has been over 5 months since I last blogged. Such a shame, for this is probably the happiest I have ever been. Nascar and I are a true team, in love with living as husband and wife.

I would be amiss to say that our lives are not tiring, filled with work and school, and family negotiations. But these are not problems, these are symptoms of a healthy and active life. I wake up every day and check my temperature (family planning), and thank the heavens for such gifts.

Nascar is in Texas currently on an aquarium business trip. He is flourishing in his job, and now dives once a week in the tanks to assist the husbandry staff with the fish care. I am still working at the local trauma center, and remain inspired by the patient population and the team of health care practicioners I work with.

I am humbled that I have been given such gifts of happiness. I realize that my choices have brought me to this station in life, but I do believe there is a bit of luck and a lot of faith on this road to happiness.

Of course, there is much about the country that is driving me to tears. The new bill in Arizona, SB 1070, legalizes racial profiling and is a travesty for all our civil rights leaders have worked for. Today, a bomb was found in Times Square in New York (no one hurt thankfully), last week a huge oil spill occurred in the Gulf of Mexico. I feel bad for the folks in New Orleans and Louisiana, ever since Hurricane Katrina, they really have not had an easy recovery. This oil spill will prove to slow the recovery down even more.

Nature to Ease the Stress

I spent yesterday with G. and her friend E. We went hiking near Inverness, in the lush hills near the Pacific Ocean. It was a much needed break from the hyper urgent feeling of these times.

Christmas has left me feeling worried abut budgeting and sad that our traditions are not very family oriented. I am working all of this X-mas week, making some much needed dollars to pay off that fantastic wedding we just had. A part of me want to wake up late with my husband on Xmas day, eat crab and exchange gifts. I want to create our own tradition...oh well, maybe when we have kids, I will be more willing to make the sacrifice.

I guess in some way, I am creating tradition. This is the second mushroom hunting trip I have made with G. I really am enjoying it. I plan on making her a photo album of all of our finds for her birthday. I think that will be an awesome project.

I am grateful for...

I am grateful for my wonderful husband, his patience, his understanding, and his love.

I am grateful for my inspiring career.

I am grateful that some people are brave enough to say this just is not fair when it comes to people losing their homes and their lives to afford health care, or just losing their lives since they cannot afford healthcare.

I am grateful for nature - one of my biggest inspirations.

I am grateful for the many wonderful friends I have in all parts of the world. You all are my family as much as you are my friends.

I am grateful for having good knees.

I am grateful for the thank you card my nephew just sent me.

I am grateful to live in the US, where I am allowed to say and do just about anything I want as a woman.

I am grateful for my family, even those I do not agree with. Without your input, I wold not have become the passionate person I am. Uncle David, without your input, my passions may have gotten the best of me. So without both sides, I am nothing.

The last month was a month of establishing tradition. Ryan and I celebrated our first Thanksgiving together. We travelled to Portland, OR to help a friend recuperate from knee surgery, and to spend time with some other lovely friends. Julie Spanks was a fantastic hostess, and Nascar, she and I made a sublime thanksgiving dinner. Pattycakes almost burned down the house in her pain induced stupor, but was out of bed everyday after her surgery and progressing nicely to a renewed knee.

The photo is from an awesome camping trip I took with Gabby back in September. Really a delightful weekend, full of mushroom hunts and fractal sightings!

I am still defining processes and system failures at work, although I am also training a new nurse for the floor. Precepting a new nurse is such hard work, as it really makes you look deeply at the errors in your own practice.

This week I cared for a 22 year old Cantonese girl with Tuberculosis that caused an aortic aneurysm. This girl is so scared. She awaits a surgery that may involve cutting her chest open to stent the aneurysm. Her tuberculosis got out of control after not finishing TB treatment in 2002. It is my guess she could not afford the treatment. Now a much more invasive procedure, to treat an even more complicated effect of the disease, all because preventative health care is not available to people with minimal or no health insurance who are immigrants to our country. I attempted to appease her anxiety by finding magazines for her to read, and bringing the interpreter in to talk about her concerns and worries. I was reminded that she was only 22, when she lit up with the magazine I brought in with the Twilight characters in the cover.

I am grateful to be in service to a girl like that. May this experience with my hospital shape her into a more informed consumer of healthcare.

A Norma Rae Moment

I attended the Integrated Nurse Leadership Project graduation today. Not only did I attend, but I presented a slide show about San Francisco General Hospital and our staff nurse driven improvements related to Medication Administration safety.

I have never presented a professional presentation. It was nerve-wracking, yet deliriously fun. The pride I felt at the end of my presentation was overwhelming. I am still in awe that I spoke in front of 200 people.

The INLP was a project that I grudgingly embraced. When introduced to the idea of standardizing the med pass, I was an argumentative early adopter. I want to support best practice, I know we ethically owe it to our patients, but the real time translation of such Best Practice means a culture change for our hospitals that is humongous. I attended the seminars offered by Julie Kliger (http://futurehealth.ucsf.edu/Public/Leadership-Programs/MiniProfile.aspx?asuid=5130) and her team at the UCSF Center for Healthcare Professions. The 4B team and I tried some small Tests of Change and education processes to build the knowledge and frame the change. I spent hours in therapy, decrying my hectic schedule, grappling with the insecurity that comes with being in a new professional environment and not being secure in your role as culture change agent and early adopter of new attitudes about healthcare.

I am not sure when this struggle became easier, but it has. Obama has brought healthcare reform to the attention of our country, the state of California just visited my facility and our nursing staff received great reviews; whatever it its, the time feels ripe for continued work in bringing Evidenced Based Best Practice to the bedside.

The keynote speaker at today's conference was Dr. Kenneth Kizer, MD, MPH (http://rwjfpfsp.stanford.edu/nac/kizer.html). He really connected our work to the national healthcare reform and it was an intriguing discussion he led. I am hoping to build on his vision, to be "the invisible architecture" of the soul of healthcare reform and I will continue to be open to the opportunities my career offers me.

Keeping the Faith

The decompression from Burning Man was a hard one. My anxiety snuck back in and I was having a hard time shaking it. Before anyone asks, no I do not take a pill for this anxiety, although I am not above it. I have so far in my life been able to keep it in check.

As I delve into my heart for its cause, I feel only sadness. Perhaps this is depression? Perhaps this is just one of life's little lows. No matter, it is there.

My life as Nurse Bacon, and the friends I made at Burning Man or because of Burning Man have meant the world to me. This year I came home slightly satiated (thank you Silvia and Faith) but mostly feeling run down and disconnected from many of those same loved ones. It was a whopper of a let down. After months of wedding planning and festivities, this what we are left with? Even Nascar was let down by his Burning Man experience.

The last 3 weeks home since Burning Man have been about rebuilding the life we have. We rearranged our house, I just finished cleaning it better than it probably ever has been. We are about to replant the garden for fall. I am riding my bicycle to work a lot! Really, the last three weeks have been about keeping the faith. Life isn't always a fairy tale, and lows exist right alongside the highs. I think sometimes when I hit a low, I become afraid it is going to stay. I forget that I call the shots now...Little B loses faith. So Big B steps in and shows her who is in charge.

I am really lucky to have the people I do in my life. Nascar is a gift from the goddesses to show me how to have faith in men again. He cares for me and caters to me in a healthy way. I would not be in the lovely setting I am right now, without him. I really need to have more faith in this...I told him today my goal for the fall was more sex and more cooking...I may get the hang of this wifey thing still!

As for the anxiety, I can feel its' clutches loosening. I think by Halloween I will be carefree and lovely again. Until then, I pray to the gods and goddesses of music, creativity and loving to get my out of this funk. I think the new bedroom will help a lot too.

FTROML

Nurse Bacon is now Brandi Lynn Jackson.

Well, I am still Nurse B...no changing that...but I am married and honeymooned and committed. It has been a ruff transition. You don't really know someone until every statement you make about them can be finished with "FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE". You will always hog the covers "FTROML". I will always hear Ryan say "really" all snide like when someone is driving poorly in front of him, "FTROML". The dishes will sit in the sink for days on end "FTROML". (of course they will, since I am usually the one who makes them dirty).

On the flip side, he will be my best friend "FTROML." We can go on bike dates together "FTROML". We will love each other FTROML.

It seems that in the first 2 months of marriage, it was easier to see how certain the negative traits of FTROML were. Ryan will always be a snide driver. He will always hog the covers and want to have sex first thing in the morning, even if I am not in the mood. I will never be good about doing my dishes.

During these last 2 months, my faith that the positive parts of a relationship could last became shaky. I began to doubt we could weather the strain of money, of pet ownership, of being together as partners FTROML. Ryan also lost some faith. We both gave into some fears and the shit show began.

It hurts so much to lose faith. Like your guts are being wrenched from your abdominal cavity. That place that used to burn hot and passionate, had become cold to the touch and grey in color. All I could think was, FTROML.

Luckily, Ryan and I both want this relationship to work. We want to build a solid foundation that will last FTROML. This shared desire, and the fact that neither of us are afraid of hard work when that payoff is good, is saving us from heartache. We have adopted a book that leads partners in developing the 6 pillars of a strong relationship. It may sound corny, but I think of it as team building, and any work for this aim is good work. We are both trying to communicate clearly and with love in our words. This is my downfall, so often I get scared, and then I get mean. This will not be an easy job, it will not be one that fixes itself fast. I expect we will spend a lot of time treading water and keeping our heads afloat.