Nature to Ease the Stress

I spent yesterday with G. and her friend E. We went hiking near Inverness, in the lush hills near the Pacific Ocean. It was a much needed break from the hyper urgent feeling of these times.

Christmas has left me feeling worried abut budgeting and sad that our traditions are not very family oriented. I am working all of this X-mas week, making some much needed dollars to pay off that fantastic wedding we just had. A part of me want to wake up late with my husband on Xmas day, eat crab and exchange gifts. I want to create our own tradition...oh well, maybe when we have kids, I will be more willing to make the sacrifice.

I guess in some way, I am creating tradition. This is the second mushroom hunting trip I have made with G. I really am enjoying it. I plan on making her a photo album of all of our finds for her birthday. I think that will be an awesome project.

I am grateful for...

I am grateful for my wonderful husband, his patience, his understanding, and his love.

I am grateful for my inspiring career.

I am grateful that some people are brave enough to say this just is not fair when it comes to people losing their homes and their lives to afford health care, or just losing their lives since they cannot afford healthcare.

I am grateful for nature - one of my biggest inspirations.

I am grateful for the many wonderful friends I have in all parts of the world. You all are my family as much as you are my friends.

I am grateful for having good knees.

I am grateful for the thank you card my nephew just sent me.

I am grateful to live in the US, where I am allowed to say and do just about anything I want as a woman.

I am grateful for my family, even those I do not agree with. Without your input, I wold not have become the passionate person I am. Uncle David, without your input, my passions may have gotten the best of me. So without both sides, I am nothing.

The last month was a month of establishing tradition. Ryan and I celebrated our first Thanksgiving together. We travelled to Portland, OR to help a friend recuperate from knee surgery, and to spend time with some other lovely friends. Julie Spanks was a fantastic hostess, and Nascar, she and I made a sublime thanksgiving dinner. Pattycakes almost burned down the house in her pain induced stupor, but was out of bed everyday after her surgery and progressing nicely to a renewed knee.

The photo is from an awesome camping trip I took with Gabby back in September. Really a delightful weekend, full of mushroom hunts and fractal sightings!

I am still defining processes and system failures at work, although I am also training a new nurse for the floor. Precepting a new nurse is such hard work, as it really makes you look deeply at the errors in your own practice.

This week I cared for a 22 year old Cantonese girl with Tuberculosis that caused an aortic aneurysm. This girl is so scared. She awaits a surgery that may involve cutting her chest open to stent the aneurysm. Her tuberculosis got out of control after not finishing TB treatment in 2002. It is my guess she could not afford the treatment. Now a much more invasive procedure, to treat an even more complicated effect of the disease, all because preventative health care is not available to people with minimal or no health insurance who are immigrants to our country. I attempted to appease her anxiety by finding magazines for her to read, and bringing the interpreter in to talk about her concerns and worries. I was reminded that she was only 22, when she lit up with the magazine I brought in with the Twilight characters in the cover.

I am grateful to be in service to a girl like that. May this experience with my hospital shape her into a more informed consumer of healthcare.

A Norma Rae Moment

I attended the Integrated Nurse Leadership Project graduation today. Not only did I attend, but I presented a slide show about San Francisco General Hospital and our staff nurse driven improvements related to Medication Administration safety.

I have never presented a professional presentation. It was nerve-wracking, yet deliriously fun. The pride I felt at the end of my presentation was overwhelming. I am still in awe that I spoke in front of 200 people.

The INLP was a project that I grudgingly embraced. When introduced to the idea of standardizing the med pass, I was an argumentative early adopter. I want to support best practice, I know we ethically owe it to our patients, but the real time translation of such Best Practice means a culture change for our hospitals that is humongous. I attended the seminars offered by Julie Kliger (http://futurehealth.ucsf.edu/Public/Leadership-Programs/MiniProfile.aspx?asuid=5130) and her team at the UCSF Center for Healthcare Professions. The 4B team and I tried some small Tests of Change and education processes to build the knowledge and frame the change. I spent hours in therapy, decrying my hectic schedule, grappling with the insecurity that comes with being in a new professional environment and not being secure in your role as culture change agent and early adopter of new attitudes about healthcare.

I am not sure when this struggle became easier, but it has. Obama has brought healthcare reform to the attention of our country, the state of California just visited my facility and our nursing staff received great reviews; whatever it its, the time feels ripe for continued work in bringing Evidenced Based Best Practice to the bedside.

The keynote speaker at today's conference was Dr. Kenneth Kizer, MD, MPH (http://rwjfpfsp.stanford.edu/nac/kizer.html). He really connected our work to the national healthcare reform and it was an intriguing discussion he led. I am hoping to build on his vision, to be "the invisible architecture" of the soul of healthcare reform and I will continue to be open to the opportunities my career offers me.

Keeping the Faith

The decompression from Burning Man was a hard one. My anxiety snuck back in and I was having a hard time shaking it. Before anyone asks, no I do not take a pill for this anxiety, although I am not above it. I have so far in my life been able to keep it in check.

As I delve into my heart for its cause, I feel only sadness. Perhaps this is depression? Perhaps this is just one of life's little lows. No matter, it is there.

My life as Nurse Bacon, and the friends I made at Burning Man or because of Burning Man have meant the world to me. This year I came home slightly satiated (thank you Silvia and Faith) but mostly feeling run down and disconnected from many of those same loved ones. It was a whopper of a let down. After months of wedding planning and festivities, this what we are left with? Even Nascar was let down by his Burning Man experience.

The last 3 weeks home since Burning Man have been about rebuilding the life we have. We rearranged our house, I just finished cleaning it better than it probably ever has been. We are about to replant the garden for fall. I am riding my bicycle to work a lot! Really, the last three weeks have been about keeping the faith. Life isn't always a fairy tale, and lows exist right alongside the highs. I think sometimes when I hit a low, I become afraid it is going to stay. I forget that I call the shots now...Little B loses faith. So Big B steps in and shows her who is in charge.

I am really lucky to have the people I do in my life. Nascar is a gift from the goddesses to show me how to have faith in men again. He cares for me and caters to me in a healthy way. I would not be in the lovely setting I am right now, without him. I really need to have more faith in this...I told him today my goal for the fall was more sex and more cooking...I may get the hang of this wifey thing still!

As for the anxiety, I can feel its' clutches loosening. I think by Halloween I will be carefree and lovely again. Until then, I pray to the gods and goddesses of music, creativity and loving to get my out of this funk. I think the new bedroom will help a lot too.

FTROML

Nurse Bacon is now Brandi Lynn Jackson.

Well, I am still Nurse B...no changing that...but I am married and honeymooned and committed. It has been a ruff transition. You don't really know someone until every statement you make about them can be finished with "FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE". You will always hog the covers "FTROML". I will always hear Ryan say "really" all snide like when someone is driving poorly in front of him, "FTROML". The dishes will sit in the sink for days on end "FTROML". (of course they will, since I am usually the one who makes them dirty).

On the flip side, he will be my best friend "FTROML." We can go on bike dates together "FTROML". We will love each other FTROML.

It seems that in the first 2 months of marriage, it was easier to see how certain the negative traits of FTROML were. Ryan will always be a snide driver. He will always hog the covers and want to have sex first thing in the morning, even if I am not in the mood. I will never be good about doing my dishes.

During these last 2 months, my faith that the positive parts of a relationship could last became shaky. I began to doubt we could weather the strain of money, of pet ownership, of being together as partners FTROML. Ryan also lost some faith. We both gave into some fears and the shit show began.

It hurts so much to lose faith. Like your guts are being wrenched from your abdominal cavity. That place that used to burn hot and passionate, had become cold to the touch and grey in color. All I could think was, FTROML.

Luckily, Ryan and I both want this relationship to work. We want to build a solid foundation that will last FTROML. This shared desire, and the fact that neither of us are afraid of hard work when that payoff is good, is saving us from heartache. We have adopted a book that leads partners in developing the 6 pillars of a strong relationship. It may sound corny, but I think of it as team building, and any work for this aim is good work. We are both trying to communicate clearly and with love in our words. This is my downfall, so often I get scared, and then I get mean. This will not be an easy job, it will not be one that fixes itself fast. I expect we will spend a lot of time treading water and keeping our heads afloat.

Lightning Storms

It is late night, maybe midnight.  I sit in the Cooper's living room,having been forced out of the backyard by the rain.  WTF, this is NV!  

Everyone else is asleep, even Nascar.  I am just so excited about the Solstice, about the wedding, about getting to hang out with friends and loved ones this weekend in a major integration session.

Forgive the stream of conciousness with this post...things are just going big right now...I can only process it quickly and move on.

1.)  Nascar Pitcrew, thank you for opening me up.  For showing me how capable I am of loving not just you, but everyone that makes our life good.  I love that term...our life...We are signing on for a lifetime together.  My life has only become great since you came into it.  And it has nothing to do with material possessions or monetary wealth.  I feel rich in the good stuff, the priceless stuf, like love, friendship, self-respect.  

I cannot wait for Friday.  I cannot wait to sign onto a life with you, both legally and spiritually, in front of our family and our friends.  

I love my life.

2.)  Good friends are a blessing.  Lately I have felt so blessed, I only wonder what I did to deserve this.  So many good friends to share this momentous occasion with.  So much support.  And I feel capable of giving back something of sharing the good vibe.   The hippie mantras of my past are coming true:  Work like you dont need the money, love like you have bever been hurt, dance like no one is watching.  

3.)  Dad I am sorry you are not able to share this day with me.  I wish everyday I could remove the pain of your psyche, to make it ok for you to love me and be proud of me...but I can never compete with the power of war and the casinos.

I miss you tho.  Sad to miss this Fathers Day with you.  I hope you are ok.

4.)  Uncle David...I can't wait to see you.

5.)  Mom, thank you for always imparting the ideal that family that treats you good is important.  I hope I grow old with that ideal.  Despite our differences in how to implement, the intention for family support and relationship building is the same.

6.) Tigh get counselling and find your path to happiness.

7.)  Noah, I miss you already.  

Colorblind

Enjoying the glow of pre-marital stress.  The packing, the planning, the in-fighting among relatives.  It is a fantastic time.

Skating

I love roller skating.  

It is an official love affair.

I want to build a community roller skating rink for my little Bayview neighborhood.  When I am pregnant, I want to roller skate with my baby in the womb.  When I am a mommy, I can't wait to teach my kids some grace on wheels.

Most fun is disco roller skating.

I have a big bruise on my right buttock as a badge to my love of roller skating.

Marked for my love.

Wedding Belles Skate Party - pre party

Coolest weekend ever...Nurse Bacon integrated her friends on wheels, and from my perspective only fell down once.

I had a spill when becoming very nervous on Friday night about going out all night on a Surly Girl adventure, I became a little enflamed.  "Why go see BassNectar," I yelled.  "Don't yall ever get tired of this?"  

Of course, my Surly Girl crew laughed at my skittishness and placated my almost tears.  I was just feeling way out of balance and really tired.  As Say-rah-haha said, "we never get tired of having fun, Bacon."  Nice save....

Needless to say, I went out with the girls, then came home early.  Snuggling with Nascar Pitcrew is really the best place I know to be, and this was one of those nights that my favorite place needed to be heeded.  

Thankfully the Surly girls have grown to recognize my skittish behavior and often remind me to relax, take a nap, drink some water, or join the fun.  But never do they judge.  Thanks for the conversation Sarahtonin!

Garden of the Damned

Feeling rather damned if I do, damned if I don't today.  Such beautiful weather, too many options of good times to be had.  By 12 noon today, I had given up being a worthwhile partner in crime.  I was experiencing waves of selfishness at too great a speed.

This seems to be something I experience every once in a while.  The act of developing a partnership with Nascar is not all rainbows and lollipops.  I am in the habit of being a self centered or as I like to say, independent, woman.  I was not very good at sharing before meeting him.  I shared time with close female friends, many of whom are also very independent.  We took time for pedicures, barbeques at the park, shopping.  Then I would return to my little life, taking care of my little chores like laundry, food prep, etc.  It was easy...there was no one else to consider.

This week we are dog and cat sitting for one of my co-workers.  The animals are lovely companions, but boy was I pissed to have to get up early and take the canine critter to the beach.  I have only fostered dogs in my time; I had forgotten how much time a canine critter takes.  Luckily, Nascar is a born animal whisperer, so he took point on this activity.  I am scared that when he and I get a dog, as we plan to, I will harbor resentment towards the thing.  I know it will be extremely important for me to develop a personal connection with the dog, and we will have to choose wisely, one that fits for both of us.

So with my self-centered meltdown happening, I knew I had to protect the others.  I got snitty with Nascar, but he was quick to forgive after chastising me.  I cancelled plans with Silvia and Gabby - all they need is for me to melt down during their fun Sunday plans.  I ended up digging up one more garden bed in front of the vegie beds and another down near the secret garden.  I scattered a whole bunch of wildflower seeds in both areas.  It was so satisfying to dig up rocks and rake in seeds today.  It is hot out - at least 80*.  I even got tan lines...not cool, as I have a strapless wedding dress.  No more tank topped digging for me.  I think the wildflower gardens will be named Garden of the Damned.  

Back to the Blog

Since I last was blogging, so much has happened.  Most importantly for this site, was that I lost my camera in the Oakland airport.  Since one of the points of this blog was to have a place to enter photos, I have been less than motivated to blog.  But...now I have a MacBook and boy oh boy are my blogging instincts aware again.  I never believed it was possible to have a love affair with your computer.  But now I know for sure it is possible.  In fact I am in one.

This is a slick machine, so elegant and refined.  Yet the beauty behind the elegance is the simplicity, the friendliness of this computer.  Even the keys tap softer, make a more delightful clicking noise than my old Dell.  I am passing up snuggle time on the couch with Nascar to geek out on my Mac right now.  : )  This is a serious affair.

Despite my avid love of the MacBook, I am still marrying Nascar in June.  The wedding will be in Reno, we get to get married under our tree sculpture from Burning Man which is currently perched on the bank of the Truckee River.   I did buy my wedding dress...it is short and sassy and super cool.  I can't wait to rock the dress and rock Nascar's world!  We are destined for love and greatness together, this I am sure of.

The planning of the wedding has brought so many great discoveries to my heart.  I had no idea how important weddings were before now.  I guess you never really understand until you are in the moment.  The number of people excited about it, wanting to share in it, is overwhelming.  I feel so blessed and so in love with my family, my friends, and my Nascar.   I have never been one to accept things graciously, so this acceptance lesson has been a big one.

The only dark cloud to the whole thing is that my Dad has chosen to not come to the wedding.  I am sad, but not surprised.  He is a man who sees only reflections of himself when he looks into my eyes.  I do not think he is so comfortable with his reflection from my eyes lately.  I wish it was different, but I think for Dad, Nurse Bacon will never be fully integrated.

New Year Refresh

I have been away from blogging land...I ventured into the world of xmas shopping, funriture shopping, and moving! So busy, so busy...and I survived!'

It is Jan 2, 2009, and I am almost blissful. My friends are all healthy and spirited and lovely. My Nascar is creating art and using his heart in ways I did not know one could do without being hurt! I am on a path to enlightenment and health (at least for my lungs) as I am seriously attempting to stop smoking this year. I got to dance and dress up in my distressed ballerina outfit yesterday and go play at the freak shows!!! I hope this bliss lasts for a while. I have to go back to work tomorrow and the stress is on these days. Projects, layoffs, and still trying to be inspired by the act of caring for patients; not just seeing them as medical record numbers on their way to discharge or worse.

Things to blog about for 2009: Wedding dress creation, Hunters Point Castle renovation, gardening, my awesome girlfriends who keep me sane and snarky!, my family dramas, and of course just for cheesiness factor, my love of Nascar Pitcrew Powered by Bacon. Photos to come as well.