Thawing out

As I mentioned before, it was a long cold winter.  Physically, emotionally, mentally, I was zapped.  In my typical "woe is me way," I looked to blame it on so many other factors than just myself - the friends who I missed, the husband who uprooted our life so awesomely, the frigid weather.  I stopped writing, I focused on the negative, I felt sorry for myself.

I do not deny that all of us have these moments.  At 8 months into this though, I have to use all the tools in my mental health arsenal to stop it.

First step is forgiveness.  There are reminders of what forgiveness looks like all around me.  The grass is green again, as the ground has forgiven the frost that laid across it for so many months.  The tulips are blossoming, and the other flowers are spritely, despite of the crisp chill that still happens some mornings.  A gnome has found its way back into my heart and I will follow it back to the place where I smile biggest.

Being in a partnership is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Forgiving your partner for his human errors is so much more difficult than anyone ever explained to me.  No partnership exists without forgiveness, however.  I am such a bully when I don't get my way, and he is so stoic.  These two characteristics make for unhappy bedfellows.

My main struggle has been believing that if I forgive you, this means I condone your behavior.  Or perhaps it could be that I am most comfortable behaving like a spoiled little girl.  I am betting it is somewhere in the middle.  As the springtime ramps up and the thaw begins all around me in nature, I feel it happening in my own soul.  For this I am grateful.

The language that we speak is so different.  You speak through actions, I speak with words.  I am the first to say, "I am unhappy and it is your fault."  You stalk around the house angry that I don't see the good stuff.  We are quite a pair these days.  I will be eternally grateful for the moments when we sit down on the floor and begin to see eye to eye again.  These are so necessary and we need to do them more.

Thank you, Nascar Pitcrew, for giving me new floors to sit on.  I promise to use them more and recognize them for what they are.  A gift for us, from you.

New floors in our house, all work done by Nascar Pitcrew

Dear Nature,

Thank you for bringing the sun back into my life.  The winter in Utah nearly broke my spirit.  Lots of smog, so much cold snow, and the loneliness that comes from being the new girl on the block.

Last weekend, I spent the day hiking with my canine pal, my love, and new friends.  The sun on my face and laughter in the hills made me believe there was some hope for Utah and I yet.

Melinda and Louie

Moab's Hidden Valley

Louie

Having a canine pal has been so enlightening in my life.  Who am I kidding?  Lacey is not a pal.  She is my child, my love, a bond that Nascar and I share.  I knew I wanted to marry Nascar the day he said he wanted to have children with me.  Contrary to what Charles Cooper says, wanting to be married to raise a family is NOT the only reason to get married - but it was mine.  The disappointment that has come with our lack of fertility, combined with the stress of moving, starting new jobs, the vast amount of alone time I have living in Utah - all of these factors have made me a pretty sad lady since we moved.  Lacey Jackson, a sweet dog rescued from the Salt Lake County Animal Control by Nascar, has become my salvation.   She is so cute and funny and adventurous.   She is shy and really quirky.  Last weekend's hiking trip in Moab was only her second time off leash, and she proved to be quite a scrambler dog, with good instincts.  She even listens fairly well.

My girl Lacey

Scrambler

While in Moab, we hiked Hidden Valley, an area with pictographs dating back hundreds of years.  The photos do them little justice.   There was a magic to this place we were in.  The abstract rock formations, the art and communication that dated so far back, the rattlesnake we ran into...all of these experiences reminded me of all the spirit the world has to offer.  These moments connected me back to the adventure that I am creating.

We Dance

We Fight

We love

We Are